Ho Ho Hop: Why Correlation is Not My Strong Suite
I read “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” the summer before second grade. I’ve always been ahead of my time. This was how I learned that either Santa wasn’t real or Judy Blume was fooling generations of children. I didn’t want to believe either thing, but in the end, it was easier to swallow the Santa-shaped pill. I confronted my parents. “Is Santa real?” My mother didn’t say a word, only looked at my father, whose face showed signs of both heartbreak and resolve. He had known this would be coming; he just wasn’t prepared for the conversation in the middle of June. “Why do you ask, Panders?” “I’m reading a book, and there’s a part about how Santa isn’t real.” “What the hell kind of books are you letting her read?” He is addressing my mother. “It’s Judy Blume, Daddy!” He is unmoved by my proclamation. Daddy was probably too busy reading “Animal Farm” at my age to know anything about Judy Blume. “You taught her to read early, and now she reads above her grade level.” My mother gives him t...